A cruise without the booze

The Sober Sloth's alcohol-free sailing adventure around the Mediterranean aboard Virgin Voyages' Valiant Lady.

Ready to sail away. Once I've got on board obviously.

"Ahoy Sailors...Let's get loud!" bellows Hannah the hostess, from a balcony on the top deck. The crowd obliges. Thunderous cheers and whoops are the response. J'Lo's iconic crowd-pleaser by the same name starts booming from the enormous speakers surrounding the ship. The sun is beaming down from the azure Barcelona sky. Many guests have already taken to the onboard pool to stay cool, drink in hand. The Valiant Lady's 'Sail Away' party gets underway, underpinned by a couple of short but deafening blasts of the ship's horn. The vibes are so emphatic that guests staying at a hotel across from the port have taken to the rooftop to watch the onboard shenanigans unfolding. They're keen to get a glimpse of the lucky sailors aboard the ship who are indeed getting loud. The ship's movement is surprisingly smooth, but there are vibrations being created by all the noise. Ramsbottom this was not. As if the atmosphere wasn't fierce enough, bouncing crew members emerge from every corner of the ship. Some take to the deck to get folks on their feet dancing while others weave through the masses delivering a (or in some cases even two or three) complimentary glass(es) of bubbles to each and every guest, encouraging more gleeful cheers and squeals. My partner and I politely decline the offers from staff who are so obliging that we're approached on at least 3 occasions by different crew members, keen to ensure that nobody is empty-handed. Fortunately, the pool bar does offer chilled bottles of Heineken Zero at $7 a pop so we're still able to fully soak in the party vibes, dance like no one's watching and toast the start of our new adventure. I'm very aware though that we're seemingly the only ones who aren't sipping on the sauce.

Joining in the party with an AF drink

We've barely left the port but I'd guess that some folks are approaching double digits for the day already, factoring in the free drink(s) on arrival, the poolside bar in the sun and of course the obligatory airport pints at 04:30 in the morning. I'm not judging by the way; that was me not so long ago - just setting the scene. We're surrounded by over 2,000 revellers on an awe-inspiring ship, hosting a party so surreal that even Jay from The Inbetweeners would have a hard time making it up. After almost two years of sobriety, I'm now very used to being around booze and not getting involved myself. It doesn't really bother me unless people become aggressive or incoherent. In fact, I take great comfort in knowing my head's not going to be sore, foggy or (more) muddled, so I can roll with it. But could I hack a week of this? As well as being on board the boss level of all party boats, this cruise was also headed to Marseille & Cannes in the country of wine, as well as Mallorca (Sangria, anyone?) before reaching the shores of the spiritual home of the Vengaboys and nightlife & clubbing capital of the world - Ibiza. Signs were everywhere that this might be one for the booze lovers.

We didn't bother going in here

What the hell have we done?! ... Well actually, as it turns out, signed up for the holiday of a lifetime. If you'd told me three years ago that not only would I be going on a cruise, but also that I'd be going on it SOBER, I would've laughed you out of my tree (because I'm a sloth, remember). But having just got home from doing exactly that (the cruise, sober, not laughing you out of a tree), I can say unreservedly that I would not change a second of it, and certainly wouldn't have added alcohol into the mix. Not into my mix at least- there was entertainment still to be had in watching some passengers' confidence in their dancing abilities flourish after a few drinks. All credit to Virgin Voyages too because while the drinks were flowing and the theme of the day certainly was 'party', it didn't get lairy. The emphasis wasn't on 'getting drunk', but rather 'having a good time, however that looks'. Whether this was due to a carefully choreographed atmosphere created by Virgin, or because Brits weren't the majority onboard, or simply because drinks were so extortionate that nobody could afford to get shit-faced remains to be seen but the vibes remained more than good throughout, and these sober sloths certainly didn't need to drink alcohol to have a good time aboard this phenomenal floating fiesta.

Taking it easy

Besides there was too much to do and see, both on board and on the shores to have time for that. Our transport and hotel for the week alone had a ridiculous 17 decks. Five of which were filled with shops, bars, pools, a casino, an arcade, a gym, a spa, EVEN A RUNNING TRACK(?!) and of course restaurants. Oh yeah, the food was all included too so my sober sweet tooth was very satisfied. 100% will be returning for the chocolate tacos alone.

STUFFED with dulce de leche

The range of AF options was also perhaps better than could've been expected - although we did have to hunt to find them. The only beer was the aforementioned Heineken Zero, which got a bit samey after about day 4. There was supposedly an IPA option in one of the bars although this was unfortunately never in stock. A nice treat awaited us at the 'The Test Kitchen' though where you could opt to have an alcohol-free drink pairing with each of the 6 (SIX) courses. Key ingredients included apple, coconut, a fancy-sounding green tea and even pea. As in, garden peas - but posher obviously. One night we also managed to track down an almost dusty bottle of AF wine in one of the bars too. Gave it a vintage feel.

I've left some features out so as to not spoil the surprise in case you want to book your own cruise now, inspired by my ramblings, because you really ought to experience it for yourself. Suffice to say that some things were breathtaking. Right up until our very last night, we continued to be surprised, wowed, awe-struck. I'm not working on commission for Virgin by the way, I'm just full of praise (and surprise) for their cruise, having previously been vehemently anti-cruise. I am now a fully-fledged Virgin Voyages convert, delighted that they have an offering that appeals to sober sloths, despite the initial borderline hedonistic vibes onboard. Thankfully these did ease up after the 'Sail Away' party - although did return briefly for Scarlet Night - again, no spoilers but it is something to behold. To be honest, even if I wanted to spoil the surprises, I'd probably have a hard time finding the words to describe the experience in any great detail.

No spoilers, but this was the vibe

I should also highlight at this point that my vagueness regarding the surprises on board has nothing to do with swinging. Despite the rumours we'd heard in advance, we were relieved to see that this was not a swingers' cruise. Again, not here to judge, but if you're a sober swinger (or indeed a non-sober swinger) you'd be disappointed with the lack of upside-down pineapples onboard.

It was impossible however to be disappointed with the offerings at each of the coastal gems we visited too. Virgin's hospitality aboard the Valiant Lady was literally faultless, although it came to a jarringly-abrupt and unceremonious end once we reached the shores of our various destinations, very much left to fend for ourselves from the second we disembarked. I saw this as a positive though as we were free to explore several absolutely glorious Mediterranean cities, always fresh-faced and bushy-tailed. Sloths have tails, look it up.

Again, I'll spare the details of those as everyone's adventure looks different, but on ours, it seemed like there really was something for everyone. We discovered sandy beaches with turquoise waters, fancy-ass cathedrals with panoramic views, bohemian markets & boutique stores, quaint tapas bars and restaurants with charmingly skulky staff, gelaterias at every corner, miniature trains weaving through all the warm, winding, colourful little side streets of an old town you could ever wish to explore and even a celebrity walk of fame.

If alcohol had been on the agenda, it just wouldn't have been the same. Whether due to nursing hangovers, sleeping in late, missing the fresh, early morning arrivals in port, being in constant search of a toilet, being ill-tempered or just being too fuzzy-headed to appreciate the charm and beauty of these awe-inspiring coastal havens, alcohol would've found something to ruin. I've had holidays before that on paper were everything you could want from a getaway, and I've always enjoyed them, but never like this. Sober. This was everything.

In sobriety, you realise how much of your time, energy and life centred around alcohol. Not drinking forces you to find new things to do, to explore, to engage, to have all your senses in full swing, to observe, and to actually pay attention. A drop of the hard stuff and all of those things go away. At the very least they start to lose their edge and the experience suffers. I enjoyed the holiday of a lifetime - sober, and I wouldn't change a moment. I could never go back from that now.

Three years ago, I would've given anything for a boozy holiday in the sun but me from three years ago didn't know what they were missing. We work so hard for our holidays. Spending even a second of it not able to fully appreciate it seems senseless to me now.

Life's a beach lolololol